Pets do not ask for your love and attention. They demand it, and we, the underlings, are honored to comply. Their needs are sacred. Their demands? Non-negotiable. When their royal bellies are empty, we must bow before their food bowl, armed only with kibble and humility. When they summon us with a stare, we drop everything—even the microwave popcorn we’re finally enjoying—just to open the door for them.

Forget jobs, forget careers, forget your social life. You are a walking, talking, snack-dispensing machine designed to do one thing and one thing only: satisfy the hunger and comfort of your pet monarch. When they are in the mood for a walk at 6 AM, you do not question it. When they decide to knock over your coffee mug just because they “felt like it,” you clean it up. Why? Because they are royalty.

Feeding them? Of course. Cleaning up after them? Naturally. Following them around the house for no reason? You do it because they’ve decreed that you shall be their loyal servant. Did they just knock something off the counter? Go fetch it, servant. Did they roll in mud and then sit on your favorite chair? Well, guess who’s getting the rag and disinfectant? You. Always you.

Why do we serve these miniature dictators, you ask? Because we’ve been trained—brainwashed even—by their cute little faces and the way they look up at us with those big, innocent eyes, making us believe they’re the victims here. Spoiler alert: They’re not. They’ve got us wrapped around their little paws, and they’re loving every second of it. We may call it “love,” but we both know it’s an elaborate scheme where they sit on thrones of fluff, and we clean up their messes.

It’s not all bad, though. Yes, we are their servants, but we’re proud servants. We exist to cater to their needs because, deep down, we know: if they weren’t fed, spoiled, and adored, the kingdom would crumble. They are the center of our universe. They are the ones we wake up for. They are the reason we survive the day—because we know the moment they purr, we’ve achieved our ultimate purpose.

Oh, and let’s not forget the joy they bring. When their fur is in our face, when their barks are so loud they rattle the windows, when they sit on our lap like they own us (because they do) — we can’t help but smile. We live for their approval. The moment they look at us with that “I know you’ve got a treat in your pocket” stare, we collapse under the weight of their gaze, ready to serve.